So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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