I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
