Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
