Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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