Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
