I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
