I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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