No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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