One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
