I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
