where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
