thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
