What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
