I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
