all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
