dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
