I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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