I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
