I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
