FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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