I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize