the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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