I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
