You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
