She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish you could order shots online.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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