i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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