I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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