omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He did a backflip because drugs
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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