Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
