...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize