Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
