Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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