i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
