Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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