How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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