He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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