Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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