Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she told me i tasted like america
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
