she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
