Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
