I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
