I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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