Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
