He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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