Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I didn't notice because vodka
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
