I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
