I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
True college students do jello shots in the library
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
