Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
