Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Randomize
