for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
