So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize