the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Found your dick twin last night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize