question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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