i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
