you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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