You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You ate ashes out of my bong
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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