Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
