she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
