saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
